My Most Vulnerable Share Yet… Coming out of the Relationship Anxiety (ROCD) Closet

I have been wanting to write this newsletter for a while. In fact, this topic was the catalyzing spark that inspired me to get my fingers back on the keys and start writing again in the first place. 

When I began this newsletter project last year though, I wasn’t ready to jump in with this idea. It was just a little too vulnerable, and I was still too enmeshed with the struggle of it all. I guess you could say I wasn’t out of the woods yet. At least enough to be able to write about it and share publicly. 

I wish I could say that this piece is a proclamation, celebrating that I have finally emerged. Unfortunately this is not the place from where I am writing. I am still very much navigating through this dark forest. 

But I think there is a power in writing from in here. 

In truth, there have been many occasions I have sat down to work on this and felt too triggered to continue. It was too confronting. Did I even believe the words I was writing? Is all of the work I have been doing, including this project, an elaborate form of self-deception?

But on my better days I sensed a subtle glimmer shining through the trees. It’s hard to articulate, but it was as if writing this piece symbolized a choice. A terrifying yet empowering choice, claiming that this is the direction I have chosen to go. And that even when I cannot see it or sense it or believe it, I trust this path will lead me out of the forest.

So here goes nothin’…

First, I’d like say that I don’t think I am alone in that some of my deepest struggles happen in the context of relationship. In fact, I think it is by design that this happens. With their naked closeness and unrelenting reflective quality, intimate partnership seems to be the relational oil cast into the waters of soul. As that oil rises, it carries all that is unresolved within us to the surface in the form of our most terrifying fears, tender vulnerabilities, and maladaptive behaviors. 

At the same time, it is precisely for these reasons that relationships offer us enormous potential for healing and growth. Without them as catalyst, all of these dysfunctional places within us would remain safely hidden, tucked away under the protective layers of our past wounds that are desperately trying to keep us safe by deploying all of that dysfunction in the direction of our partners. 

In reality, we would be much better served turning our piercing gaze back toward our selves and instead of casting blame out there, compassionately inquiring in here.

This is the alchemy of human love.  It is not for the faint of heart or weak of spirit. It is for the true warriors among us. Should we stay the course, it may just be one of the most potent paths for transformation of the deepest kind.

For me, it seems that my protective layers come out very early in relationship, almost from the the very beginning. As soon as I meet someone and detect the potential of something long-lasting and worth while, a part of me recoils even as I simultaneously reach for the other. 

It is a deeply conflicted feeling that I have come to know well. It has surfaced in all of my adult partnerships and until recently and with few exceptions, has always been the reason I left. 

I suspect that this is in part because I simply couldn’t take the inner turmoil any longer. But on the surface, I would leave because it seemed reasonable to assume that if I was feeling this terrible, there must actually be something wrong with the relationship.

To be honest, I always recognized this as a pattern. I could sense that there was some kind of fear-based behavior happening on my part. But no matter how hard I tried to fight these fears, it seemed I was powerless against them and I would always end up in the exact same spot. 

Then, enter Tom about three and half years ago now. I wish I could tell you that he was the proverbial one who swooped in and rescued me from these relational demons. But that is not how this works. And the belief that there is some magical person out there who can deliver me from this cycle only feeds those demons even more. 

In truth, it has been with Tom that those demons have surfaced the most. But this is, in part, I believe because it has been with him that I have finally resolved to stay the course.

I remember one night, Tom and I had recently gotten back together (again), and I was absolutely drowning in my confusion, fear, and anxiety. How was it possible that I could love someone so much and want to be with them so badly, and yet at the same time be frozen in terror? Every bone in my body was protesting, shouting “Run for the hills!” But the thought of doing so was too devastating to bare.

I was desperate. I scoured the internet for resources to help me understand what the heck was going on with me. That’s when I discovered a couple terms I had never heard before: Relationship Anxiety (RA) and Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD).

As I dug deeper I knew I had found something. I checked nearly every single box.

Now, I am not one to pathologize myself by identifying with these kinds of labels. But there is something to be said for being able to name my experience, and to validate my long held suspicion that something deeper was going on with me. 

RA/ROCD is characterized by pervasive and debilitating doubt about one’s otherwise healthy, though normal and imperfect, relationship. It’s hallmark is an anxious and compulsive thinking and behavior cycle aimed “figuring out” the “rightness” of one’s relationship. 

While this cycle may appear to be helping the person determine the answer to a very important question — in truth it only serves to feed the cycle even more, adding further confusion and distress, and obscuring their view of their partnership more deeply.

People who struggle with RA/ROCD tend to fixate on particular themes or questions regarding their relationship that trigger the anxious cycle. Some examples include…

Whether or not they feel attracted to to their partner; 
Monitoring their feelings to determine if they are truly “in love;”
Questioning if someone else would be a better fit; 
Comparing various aspects of their relationship to others;
Feeling concerned if their partner is smart/funny/spiritual/fill-in-the-blank enough; 
Distress about if the anxiety is their intuition or a even sign from God that they are meant to leave;

… And a near infinite amount of other variations that all boil down to the same question and fear:

Am I making a mistake?

Learning about RA/ROCD was only the beginning for me. Doing the work to heal from it has been a whole other story — one that I hope to share more of in this newsletter. 

For now, I’d like to say that I have a sneaking suspicion that RA/ROCD is a lot more common than we might think. And even for those who don’t check all the boxes, I imagine there is a thread that runs through this experience that touches all of us. 

I can’t think of anything more human than feeling scared to put your heart on the line. But I also can’t think of anything more beautiful and worthwhile. Which I suppose is exactly why its so terrifying.

And so for me, I am still navigating my way through this dark forest, with my compass set on making it through to the other side. And even though it has been one of the gnarliest journeys I have ever been on, I am grateful for it. 

Without it, all of this fear and all of this pain would continue to remain latent within me, resting in the background of my consciousness quietly directing my life in ways that keep me separate from any real intimacy and connection. 

Without it, I never would have blasted open all of my unrealistic fantasies about what true partnership actually looks and feels like. One that makes room for both partner’s full humanity. And where love is seen not just as an emotion, but as a choice that we are asked to make over and over and over again, even and especially in the face of hardship.

Without it, I would have been robbed of the opportunity to fight for a love that is so dear to me, and in turn to know the depths of closeness that can only be formed by weathering the storm together.

And without it, I would have never been forced to uncover the most precious gift of all — the chance prove to myself that I can find my way through the darkest, scariest forest I’ve ever known.